if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
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Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
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He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Sorry about my life...
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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