It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
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If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
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Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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