i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Randomize
