Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
