He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
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Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
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I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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