I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
