Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream