hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.