dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
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I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
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Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?