Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila