and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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