it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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