True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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