I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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