Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You ruined the universe
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
