hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
