connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
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got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
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Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is