I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.