so explain again why im purple
no
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
