it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
