Ambien. No doubt about it.
barbara walters just said penis...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
