On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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