so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
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