I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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