you would pick up someone in the library
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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