its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize