yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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