Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Holy sore nipples Batman
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.