the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
