I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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