i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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