I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
