No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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