Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
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The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
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THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize