Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
