dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize