I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
