god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize