I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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