also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
