i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
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STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
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You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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