remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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