420 ftw
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
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No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
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He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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