When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Congratulations! We have a period
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