I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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