How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
