I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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