Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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