Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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