the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
