I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
