question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs