I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now