he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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