hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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